Dear Heart, I Hate You Read online

  “Then why are you acting like I’m crazy? Just spit it out already,” I demanded as my patience with this stupid conversation faded.

  He glared at me. “You know I don’t spit!”

  “I didn’t, but now I do.” I rubbed my temples, wishing Lucas would just say what was on his damn mind. He might come across as macho as any other guy, but sometimes he was such a damn girl.

  “I’m just saying this isn’t like you. What about your rule?”

  I opened my mouth to defend myself, but then closed it again. Why was I getting defensive when Lucas was right?

  “What about it?” I finally said. “She’ll be gone and then everything will go back to normal. My rule’s still in place. The world continues spinning.”

  But Lucas’s concern bugged me; after all, he had been my best friend since college. When we graduated, we were hired on at the same large investment firm in Boston. I hated it. Not the job—I absolutely loved the job—but I hated the company. It was too big, and it seemed like their sole focus was only on getting bigger. I always had this feeling that no matter what anyone did there, it would never be enough.

  Within a year, I found myself longing for something smaller, where I didn’t feel like a replaceable cog on the proverbial wheel. Before then, I would have bet money that it was exactly what I’d always wanted. But it wasn’t.

  Lucas had been just as frustrated as I was, which helped me feel a little less crazy. So when he got an offer at a smaller firm and accepted it, he put in a good word for me and I was brought on. That was where we still worked, the company I was busting my ass to make partner for, but Lucas didn’t have the same drive that I did. He enjoyed being an employee without the extra pressure. He always claimed to enjoy his free time too much, something he said I didn’t know the meaning of.

  He stood up and clapped me on the shoulder. “I think it’s cute that you’re going to spend time with some smoking-hot girl from California for the next two days,” he said with a laugh.

  “Cute? What are you getting at?”

  “Look, Cal, I saw your body language downstairs. I should have taken a damn picture so you could see what everyone else around you saw. I’m afraid of what two more days with her might do to you.”

  “It’s two days, Lucas. And she lives across the damn country. What could possibly happen in two days?”

  “I guess we’ll see,” he said, grinning at me as he brushed past me to leave the bathroom. And it only pissed me off more.

  “I guess we will,” I called after him.

  I shrugged off his concerns, fully convinced that spending two days with Jules would do me absolutely no harm. Hell, I didn’t get what Lucas was even worried about in the first place. I’d get to enjoy the company of a smart, beautiful woman, and then we’d both go on with our lives.

  It would be easy.

  Dream Lips

  Jules

  I’d tossed and turned during the few hours of sleep I got, my mind constantly replaying snippets of the night I’d just had with Cal. I felt him touching my body, heard him tell me I was beautiful, and saw the way he looked at me with those beautiful hazel eyes. My brain was on a loop of moments with Cal that I couldn’t stop. Not that I wanted to.

  When my alarm buzzed and I opened my eyes, my first thoughts were of him, and my body hummed with the knowledge that I’d get to see him again later today. If I was being honest with myself, which I always tried to be, getting through this day was going to be pure torture. I couldn’t wait to see him and spend more time with him. It was all I could think about.

  As I walked into the last presentation of the day, I noticed Robin flagging me down, so I sat next to her.

  “What happened with you and Mr. Hot Stuff last night?” She leaned over to elbow me in the ribs, making her coppery ponytail sway.

  “Nothing.” I bit back a smile.

  “Nothing, my ass. Where’d you guys disappear to?”

  “His room,” I whispered as my cheeks burned, and added quickly, “But nothing happened.” The last thing I wanted was for her to get the wrong impression.

  “Why the hell not?” she said, and I almost laughed.

  “Because I just met him, that’s why.”

  Oh my God. Why was I always the only one who seemed to think that having sex with strangers wasn’t a good idea?

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “Please tell me you’re seeing him again to remedy that.”

  “He’s taking me to a hockey game tonight,” I confessed as a thrill of excitement shot through me.

  Robin’s eyes lit up. “Please jump his bones, and then I want all the details. Give me something to vicariously live through. I’ve been married for twelve years, you know,” she said, giving me a knowing look.

  I patted her hand in mock sympathy, as if being married for so long was the worst thing that could happen to a person.

  The speaker took to the lectern and began a presentation on interest rates and how to navigate around potential bank-client issues. As she droned on, my mind continued to replay the scenes from last night.

  It was troubling that it had been one night, and I was already this consumed by Cal. My only excuse was that it had been so long since I’d wanted to spend any time with a guy, my emotions were heightened to the point of overload.

  Forty minutes later, my phone vibrated. I pulled it from my pocket, just to make sure it wasn’t my office calling. It was a text message notification, and when I opened it, I laughed out loud in the middle of the presentation that I had only been half listening to anyway.

  The people sitting in front of me turned around to stare. Robin glanced at me, then leaned over to try to peek at my phone as I turned it away from her view.

  Dream Lips: Can you be ready in an hour?

  Apparently Cal had added himself to my contacts list as “Dream Lips,” which was what had made me burst out laughing.

  Tapping quickly, I adjusted my text notifications for him, assigning the dark blue smiley face that I used for any guys who sent me texts. Organized person that I was, I’d assigned green to my dad and other family members, and red to my boss and coworkers.

  Since Cal was the only guy in my life texting me at the moment, anytime I saw the blue smiley appear, I’d know it was from him. I briefly considered changing his name or adding “Cal” to the end of it, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. “Dream Lips” made me laugh, and I couldn’t argue with the nickname. His lips really were dreamy.

  As I typed out a response, I smiled.

  Jules: Dream Lips?! Nice. LOL Yes, I can.

  Dream Lips: Good. Dress warm. The rink gets cold.

  Shit. Shit. Shit. I really wasn’t prepared for this arctic city. I responded to his text, which set off a flurry of back-and-forth messages.

  Jules: Can you do me a solid and bring me a sweatshirt? I didn’t pack well for this trip.

  Dream Lips: So California of you. I’ll take care of you, babe.

  Jules: Thanks. Meet you downstairs in an hour?

  Dream Lips: Perfect. See you soon.

  Each time my phone vibrated with a message from him and that blue smiley face appeared, my heart did a little flip inside my chest and a dumb smile spread across my face. I knew it was a dumb smile because it felt foreign and awkward as I bit down on my bottom lip. I was almost giddy with anticipation of what he might say.

  It was ridiculous. I was being ridiculous.

  What was even more ridiculous was the fact that I enjoyed it. Every single second of this craziness made me . . . happy. All the feelings I’d been avoiding for years came rushing back with a vengeance, and I welcomed them as if I had any choice in the matter.

  “I’m gonna go get ready. Let me know what I miss?” I whispered to Robin, who told me to get some before I crept out of the presentation twenty minutes early.

  Back in my room, I changed into a pair of jeans and a fitted blue sweater. I used the term sweater loosely because it was made of the thinnest material, practically transpa
rent. It was made for looks, not warmth, and I had to wear a tank top underneath it so no one could see my girls.

  Twisting my hair around my curling iron, I added a few loose waves to my typically straight hair. The curls added volume and texture that I’d missed while being away from the climate in LA.

  Dream Lips: Here.

  That stupid smile appeared on my face again, and I tried to shake it off as I replied that I was on my way down. After mussing up my hair and giving it a spritz of hairspray, I headed out.

  In the elevator, I started to get nervous. What if being with him wasn’t as fun and nice as it had been last night? What if our connection was only because he’d been drinking, or because I had been tired? What if I’d imagined everything, and when I walked out of this elevator and saw him again, I felt nothing?

  Oh God, I was suddenly sick with trepidation.

  The elevator dinged and I stepped out into the lobby, stuttering mid-step as I saw Cal standing there, holding a single pink rose.

  Relief flooded through me. I hadn’t made up anything last night. It had all been real.

  He looked delicious in his dark jeans, black button-down shirt, and leather jacket. His brown hair was much like it was last night, spiked up in the front, albeit a little messy in places that seemed to work only on someone like him. And his lips were as incredible as they’d been in my imagination all day today.

  “Hi,” I said with a smile.

  “Hi, yourself.” He bent down to give me a kiss.

  If that was how this night was going to go, I was all in.

  “This is for you.” He handed me the rose, which I immediately brought to my nose to appreciate.

  “Thank you.” I clutched the flower, a little overwhelmed by the sweetness of the gesture. It had been a long time since I’d received a rose from someone other than my parents.

  “You look beautiful,” he said, his tone so sincere that I felt myself blush with the compliment.

  “And you look hot.” I gave him a once-over before settling my gaze on his mouth and licking my lips.

  “Jules,” he said, practically growling a warning, and I quickly returned my gaze to his eyes. If I didn’t behave, we’d end up back in my hotel room, and we both knew it.

  “Sorry,” I lied.

  “I don’t think you are. Come on.” He placed a hand on my lower back and steered me toward the side exit. “I have a sweatshirt and a jacket in the car for you.”

  “Thank you so much. I didn’t bring anything warm with me at all. See?” I pointed at my manicured toes peeking through the straps of my sandals.

  He shook his head. “What am I going to do with you?”

  I said nothing, the responses running through my head way too crazy to say out loud, let alone think. Love me? Kiss me? Marry me? Have my babies?

  Cal held the hotel door open as I walked outside and pointed toward the charcoal-gray Mercedes parked at the curb. The car beeped to life as the locks clicked open and the lights all turned on. He opened the passenger door for me, and I slipped into the cool leather seat and placed the rose carefully on the backseat next to the jackets. When Cal slid into the driver’s seat, it automatically adjusted to his body.

  I breathed in deeply. “Is this new?”

  “About a year,” he said as the engine purred to life and the music turned on. His hand immediately came to rest on my thigh like it had last night, and I placed my hand on top of his, longing for the connection to him.

  “It still smells new,” I said, sniffing the air.

  He gave the dashboard an affectionate pat. “I take care of her.”

  “Her?”

  Cal shot me a glance. “Of course she’s a her. Isn’t your car a girl?”

  I laughed, because no, my car was most definitely not a girl. I’d considered all of my cars boys and had even given them boy names. I’d never thought about that until now; it was just something I did.

  “My car’s a boy.”

  “See?”

  “We’re weird.” I smiled as I watched him drive.

  “You might be, but I’m normal.” His fingers moved on my leg, his thumb drawing circles as he drove.

  Silence quickly filled the space between us. It wasn’t awkward or weird, and neither one of us seemed eager to fill the quiet with anything other than our breathing. It was just one more thing to add to my mental list of how natural it felt being around Cal.

  The fact that I didn’t feel the need to rack my brain to think of something to talk about was refreshing. I’d driven with clients I’d known for years to look at properties, and there was always a level of awkwardness when the conversation lulled. Someone would eventually fill the empty air to avoid the silence.

  The sound of the radio playing softly in the background caught my attention, and when I realized what was playing, I said, “Country? Really?”

  To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about what kind of music Cal might enjoy, but hearing him hum along to the song now playing on the radio made me giggle.

  He stopped humming and glanced my way. “I like all kinds of music, but I’m on a country kick right now. I can put on something else if you don’t like it. What’s your favorite?”

  Grinning at him, I said, “I’m sure you’d love to listen to some Top 40 pop music. I can see you now, singing along to Bieber and One Direction.” I liked a lot of music too, but I loved pop the best. Always had.

  He stifled a smile as he yanked his hand from my leg. “You like Justin Bieber and One Direction? Out of my car.” He pointed at the door as the city whizzed past.

  “Oh, please,” I said with a huff. “You probably love all their music and you don’t even know it.”

  He laughed before returning his hand to its rightful place. “I might. Do you want me to turn it on?”

  “No, it’s fine. I like country. I like everything except hard rock and old metal. Ick.” I stuck my tongue out and made a face.

  Nodding, he said, “I can tolerate pretty much anything except techno. It all sounds the same, and it makes me want to punch someone in the face. Repeatedly.” To make his point, he scowled as he mimicked the nst-nst sound of a synthesizer.

  “I think that’s the exact opposite reaction you’re supposed to have when listening to techno, Cal. Something’s wrong with you.”

  A moment later, we came to a stop behind a long line of cars. He released my leg and opened the glove compartment, removing a pass of some sort as the stadium came into view.

  When we pulled into the parking lot, he rolled down the window and stopped next to a young guy walking toward us wearing a bright yellow vest and carrying a handheld machine. Cal showed him the pass.

  “You know where you’re going?” the attendant asked.

  “Yep. Thanks.”

  “Don’t forget to put that on your dashboard so it’s visible.”

  “Will do.”

  Cal pulled forward and navigated his way through the massive parking lot. I had no idea where we were going but I was already in awe, and we hadn’t even entered the stadium yet.

  The Donovan Brothers

  Cal

  After parking the car, I grabbed both the sweatshirt and the jacket for Jules, not knowing how cold she might get during the game, and reached for her hand.

  She looked even prettier than she had last night, that blue sweater doing a number against her tanned skin. I had to admit I’d been a little worried that things might be uncomfortable between us, not for any particular reason other than a little time had passed and things from last night had been able to settle.

  But the second I saw Jules step out of the elevator, all those concerns disappeared. There was no weirdness at all. Yes, there were lots of other feelings and thoughts—desire, want, lust, holy hell, she looks good enough to eat—but no awkwardness, which both intrigued and scared me. So I pushed them away, shoved them deep inside as if they didn’t exist.

  I picked up our tickets from the will-call booth and led Jules into the arena, k
nowing exactly where our seats were located. The visiting team’s seats were always in the same section each year.

  “Do you need anything?” I asked Jules as she walked at my side.

  “I’m good.”

  “You sure you’re not hungry?”

  She smiled and leaned against me. “Not yet.”

  “All right.”

  Suddenly, she blurted, “Katherine will like me, right?”

  I stopped and grabbed her by the shoulders, bringing us face-to-face. “She’ll love you. She’s really nice, and so are you. You have nothing to worry about.” I gave Jules a quick kiss and waited for her reaction, but she just stared at me. “Okay?”

  “Okay,” she said as she wrapped her arms around her midsection.

  “Cold?”

  She nodded. “It is pretty cold in here.”

  “That’s why I brought you these.”

  When I held up the sweatshirt, she snatched it and quickly pulled it on. It hung loose on her, all but completely covering her up. She looked adorable.

  Grinning, she pulled the neck to her nose and breathed in. “It smells like you,” she said before snuggling into it even more.

  As we walked down the stairs and toward our seats, I spotted Katherine’s long brown hair. I pointed at her, and Jules nodded as we made our way to her.

  “Katherine,” I called out and she turned, a big smile on her face.

  “Cal! It’s so good to see you.” She launched into my arms and squeezed me tight before noticing my hand was still clasped with Jules’s. “No Lucas?” she asked with a pout.

  “Not tonight. I want you to meet someone,” I said as I moved to the side.

  “Hi. I’m Katherine.” She extended her hand toward Jules, unable to hide her surprise.

  I hadn’t warned Katherine that I was bringing a girl. Not that she needed the warning, but I could have at least given her a heads-up since it wasn’t something I normally did.

  “Jules. It’s nice to meet you.”

  The two girls shook hands politely, but when Jules commented on Katherine’s engagement ring, that apparently broke the ice. They both broke into a fit of giggles and started hugging.