Safe at First Page 3

  Everything about me was fucking toxic. I came from a fucked up family that was only getting worse. I had no control over my own life, no baseball prospects in sight, and no scouts even interested in me, as far as I knew. The last thing I wanted to do was drag Sunny down to my level. She deserved to be in a place filled with goodness and hope, and I didn’t live there.

  How could I give her any part of me when I currently hated all of it myself?

  Why the hell would she even want me?

  She wouldn’t.

  And that was why I planned on staying inside my bedroom all night and not coming out for anything or anyone, no matter what. It would be easier that way.

  Party of One

  Sunny

  Since my texts with Danika, I’d been debating on whether or not I should go to the baseball party tonight, and I was still no closer to an answer. On one hand, I wanted to go because ... Mac. But on the other hand, I was nervous because ... well, Mac.

  My phone rang, distracting me from my inner dialogue that was getting me nowhere.

  “Hey, Mom. What’s up?”

  “Just checking in,” she said, and I knew she wanted to make sure that I was okay before the semester started. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine.” I tried to reassure her, but she knew how nervous I’d been about living alone.

  She’d called every day the first week I moved in, but her calls had grown a little more infrequent lately. It was a good thing. I needed to be able to survive on my own without my mommy checking up on me daily.

  “Are you sure, honey? Your dad and I can come out and take you to lunch, or go grocery shopping, or take you to Target if you still need anything for the apartment.” Her voice was so soothing.

  Something about my mom’s tone always made me feel better, and I was just about to tell her that when I suddenly heard a lot of barking in the background.

  “Did you bring home dogs again?” I asked in a sarcastic tone, already knowing the answer.

  My dad owned a local vet clinic, and my mom ran the front desk there. It was the family business, but I wanted nothing to do with it. It wasn’t that I hated animals or anything like that, but my heart couldn’t handle being around sick pets or putting them down, even when I knew it was for the best. Thankfully, my older sister was all about it, so the Jamison Family Vet Clinic would be falling on her shoulders and not mine.

  “We have a couple of rescues that are waiting for homes. It’s fine,” she said, and I pictured her waving me off like it was no big deal, but we both knew that there were far more than just a “couple” there.

  My mom had started bringing home pets to foster when my sister and I moved out of the house, making my parents empty nesters.

  “The house is too quiet without you girls. I need some chaos,” she used to say before filling it with stray animals in need of their forever homes.

  My dad only wanted her to be happy, so he never complained or said a word about it.

  “A couple? It sounds like you have a hundred dogs, Mom!”

  She laughed. “I wish.” She sounded dreamy, like owning a hundred dogs would be the greatest thing in the world. My mom was officially insane. “You could take one, you know?”

  “I actually thought about that, but no. The last thing I need is to worry about a dog living in a one-bedroom apartment,” I said because I had considered it. But the idea of a dog living here with no backyard or doggie door to go outside and potty stressed me out. I knew that I’d never be able to go to class and not worry the whole time about getting back fast enough.

  “You’re probably right. Well, if you change your mind, you know who to ask.”

  “I know, Mom. Tell Dad I said hi. I’ll call you guys tomorrow. I have to go get ready.”

  “Ready for what?”

  “I’m going to a party,” I said without thinking.

  “Ooh! By yourself, or have you made new friends?” she asked, making me feel like I was a schoolgirl.

  “By myself. Don’t worry. I know a bunch of the guys on the team, so I won’t be alone for long,” I said before realizing how scandalous that sounded.

  “What team? What guys? Sunny—” She started to get that concerned timbre to her voice, and I cut her off.

  “Mom, it’s fine. I just meant that it’s the baseball team. You know, the one Danika’s boyfriend was on. I know all the guys. We’re friends,” I exaggerated, hoping she’d buy it and not worry once we hung up.

  “Okay,” she said, and more barking ensued. “Well, have fun. Shoot. Comet! Get off the kitchen table! Don’t eat that!” she yelled before I heard the phone clatter. She must have dropped it. “Sunny, I have to go. Be careful!” she shouted, sounding somewhere far off in the distance, and then the call ended.

  I laughed and rolled my eyes before realizing that talking to her had helped me make up my mind. I was definitely going to the party.

  One of the downsides to living alone was that I had no one to get ready for parties with. There was no one to tell me that I looked cute, to compliment my outfit, or to make sure I wasn’t making a complete fool of myself with my chosen attire. It was an adjustment I hadn’t quite gotten used to yet, I realized as I picked out clothes. Danika had always given me her honest opinion whenever it came to this kind of thing, but now, I had to trust myself when I looked in the mirror, and I wasn’t always the best person for the job. Sometimes, I wore things a little too inappropriate without realizing it.

  I never tried to be racy with my clothes, but it could look that way to people who didn’t really know me. I’d learned in college how quickly character assumptions could be made about a person simply based on what they wore. Excuse me for being short and having a tiny, little waist and super-toned abs that I tended to leave exposed in my belly shirts. Wearing a half-shirt didn’t mean that I wanted to sleep with every guy I talked to, but try telling that to the girls who stared at me with venom in their eyes.

  Another thing that sucked about being by myself was that I had no one to go to said parties with, just like I’d told my mom. That’s right; Sunny Jamison would have to walk into the infamous baseball house, alone. I wasn’t even sure if girls did that kind of thing or not. I’d never paid attention before because I always had Danika by my side, but now that I was alone, I felt exposed and vulnerable. It wasn’t a comfortable way to feel, to be honest.

  Why the hell hadn’t I made any other friends besides her over the years? Oh yeah, because once I’d met her, there’d been no need for anyone else. Danika was the best roommate and friend I could have asked for, with her no-nonsense attitude and almost-all-black attire all the time. I’d never met anyone like her before in my life. We complemented each other perfectly, and I missed her.

  With a single deep breath, I grabbed my car keys off the counter before I lost what little nerve I had left. Going to a party had to be better than sitting in this apartment with two-dozen cookies for another night with no one but my shadow and myself to eat them all. At this rate, I was going to have to start wearing oversize shirts if I didn’t stop baking and eating my feelings.

  My text exchange with Danika popped into my mind as I got into my car and started the engine.

  Please don’t be making out with some other girl. Please don’t be making out with some other girl. The words became my mantra as I drove and eventually parked on the side of the house.

  I almost put my car in reverse and pulled right back out, but when another car parked directly behind me and blocked me in my spot, I took it as a sign. I had to go inside and face Mac. Or at least attempt to.

  A loud knock on my car window caused me to jump in my seat, and I let out a squeal. I turned toward the glass and saw three guys walking away from me and stumbling toward the party. They must have hit my car on their way past it just to mess with me. One last look at my reflection in the rearview mirror, and I pushed open the door and stepped out.

  The house was packed, which I’d expected, but it was loud and dark, which I
hadn’t expected. Usually, music played in the background, and the lights were on. But tonight, the music was blaring, making conversations damn near impossible, and there were only strobe lights flashing. I could barely see, let alone recognize anyone.

  My focus was on finding Mac—or at least seeing his gorgeous face—so I started walking from room to room, my confidence shaky at best.

  “Sunny?” a voice said, and I got excited for only a second before realizing that it wasn’t the right guy’s voice.

  I turned around and gave the giant shortstop a hug. “Hey, Colin!”

  “Hey, girl. How’s Danikas?” he shouted over the music.

  “She’s great!”

  “Tell hers I said hi’s the next time you talk to her, yeahs?” he added extra s’s to the end of random words, but I still understood him.

  “I will. Hey, Colin, have you seen Mac around?” I asked and watched his face transform into something that made me feel a little stupid. I’d asked about a specific player on the team, and that only meant one thing—I was interested.

  Colin was grinning, his head moving as he smiled.

  He looked around before leaning close to my ear. “You know, Suns, I haven’t seen hims for some hours now that you mention it. He’s probably in his rooms.”

  Dread filled me. Hadn’t I just convinced myself that Mac didn’t sleep around with random girls at parties? But he was currently not in the center of the room with his latest conquest, like I’d said he always was. I was such an idiot. A fool who’d convinced herself that he was one of the good ones because that was what I wanted him to be.

  “You can goes back there, I’m sure. You know which rooms is his? Chance’s old one. The big ones,” Colin slurred, and I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. I was too busy choking on what was left of my pride.

  “That’s okay. I’d rather not,” I said, wanting nothing more than to leave the same way I’d come in.

  “Want me to tell hims you were lookings for him?” Colin balanced himself on my shoulder, almost making me fall.

  “No. It’s okay. Please don’t,” I begged as I wrapped an arm around my stomach and wiggled out from under the weight of his drunk body.

  “Bye, Suns. See you laters.” Colin smiled as I maneuvered through the crowd, my eyes suddenly focused on the door that led to Mac’s room.

  A small light shone from underneath it, and I knew he was in there.

  The door flew open, and a stunning girl walked out with a satisfied smile on her face as she pulled down on the world’s shortest skirt. Mac followed quickly behind her, his face contorted as his eyes looked around briefly before crashing into mine, stopping me dead in my tracks. He was tanner than the last time I had seen him, his muscles pulling the shirt taut around his arms. And his hair was a little longer, unrulier and sun-bleached at the ends. It all suited him. His expression softened for a millisecond before he composed himself again and continued walking. Right. Past. Me.

  Like I didn’t even exist.

  Like I wasn’t worth his time.

  I shouldn’t have come tonight. It was stupid, and I was a fool. Mac wasn’t into me. We’d shared one phone call a few months ago, and I’d been acting like it was some life-changing moment when it clearly meant nothing to him.

  I meant nothing to him.

  And the sooner I got that through my head and my heart, the better off I’d be.

  The Universe Hates Me

  Mac

  The party raged outside of my bedroom, and even though people pounded on the door throughout the night, I never budged. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to socialize, and though I’d contemplated the distraction of some female attention, I realized that I didn’t fucking want it.

  I was tired of the same shit. If I opened this door and walked out of it, I’d repeat the patterns I’d started my freshman year. I was over playing the same old games. It was exhausting, being this fake version of me, and I had zero energy for it anymore.

  Grabbing my pillow, I pulled it over my face and fell asleep, only to wake up to the sound of my ex-girlfriend’s voice outside of my bedroom door. I wasn’t sure if I was having a nightmare or if her being here was real. I thought she graduated last semester.

  “Mac, I know you’re in there. Open the door, or I’ll have someone do it for me,” she demanded.

  I wouldn’t put it past her to do exactly that. Hayley could most likely convince my own teammates to remove the entire door if she asked them to.

  Begrudgingly, I stood up and slowly made my way over, half-annoyed, half-curious. I still had no idea why the hell she was even here in the first place. Throwing the door open, I saw Hayley standing there in the shortest fucking skirt known to man, her long, tanned supermodel legs on display for all to see as she shoved her way inside my room and closed the door behind her.

  “What do you want? And what are you doing here? I thought you graduated.” I shocked myself at how pissed I was feeling more than any other emotion. When it came to Hayley, I was never sure how I’d react. But the fact that she was in the baseball house right now when I’d thought she was long gone angered me beyond reason.

  My one saving grace in having to come back to Fullton State for my senior year was that she wouldn’t be here. It was going to be the first time I could walk to classes without looking over my shoulder, wondering if I’d run into her at a party or see her pointing and laughing in my direction with all her shitty friends following suit. I was her personal jester, and the joke was on me.

  I’d always wanted to hate her. And there had even been nights in the beginning of our breakup when I prayed to a god I wasn’t sure I believed in to help me get over her. I begged him to put anger in my heart because still wanting her back after everything that had happened felt incredibly pathetic, and I didn’t want to be that guy. But I was. I’d wanted her back more than anything at the time.

  And as I took in all five foot ten of her dark skin and jet-black hair, I knew exactly why I’d fallen so hard in the first place. Hayley was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Way out of my league physically, even now, three years later. She’d given an eager freshman with confidence and daddy issues the right kind of attention at just the right time. And in return, I’d given her my heart and fallen head over heels into what I thought was going to be some sort of epic fairy-tale romance for the ages.

  Instead, I’d fallen for the spawn of Satan who got off on humiliating me in front of my entire team and never once apologized for it.

  “I’m two classes short,” she started to say, and I’d almost forgotten that I’d asked her a question. “I have to take them this semester, or I never would have, and my dad would kill me if I didn’t get my degree.” She popped a piece of bubble gum that was in her mouth before seductively licking her lips and batting her eyelashes at me.

  “Why are you at my party? Why are you in my room?” I tried my best to sound like a dick, but she was fluent in wielding her body for power, and she knew it. Too bad her satanic charms no longer worked on me.

  “Heard you had a great summer in Washington,” she practically purred.

  She wasn’t wrong. I’d had a stellar summer, but how did she know about it?

  “What’s your point?” I asked, realizing that she thought she could jump right back into my arms if I was stupid enough to let her.

  “My point is that I bet those scouts are looking at you now. You’ll probably get drafted this year, and you know that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

  She took a step toward me, and I took one back, a sick laugh escaping from my throat.

  “You don’t give a shit about me,” I growled.

  Her jaw dropped open in mock shock. “How can you say that? After everything we’ve been through?”

  This chick was seriously delusional.

  “After everything we’ve been through? Don’t you mean, after the hell you put me through? You crushed me,” I admitted, and it felt good to say it out loud. Maybe because I wanted her to feel bad about
what she’d done to me, and here I was, giving her the chance to admit she was an actual human with feelings.

  “I crushed you? I crushed you?” she shouted. “You embarrassed me! In front of the whole school!” she kept yelling, and I realized that she wasn’t sorry for any of it and she never would be.

  Only a demon or a robot could look at our situation and not feel even an ounce of remorse. I decided that she had to be both.

  “Get the fuck out of my room,” I said, and she pretended to be shocked by my dismissal.

  “But we could be great again, Mac. A true power couple,” she added, and I wondered what part of the power she provided to this fictional coupledom because the last time I’d checked, she was looking for some coattails to ride.

  “Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Room,” I said, enunciating each word so there would be no misunderstanding.

  “You can’t be serious.” She cocked her head and glared at me. “I know you haven’t dated anyone since we broke up.”

  “Don’t take that the wrong way, Satan. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.”

  “Maybe you’re not over me, and that’s why you can’t move on. You miss me. You still want me.”

  She closed the space between us, her acrylic nails running down my chest, and I wanted to give myself a blue fucking ribbon for resisting her. I’d never thought I’d be able to do that, but here I was, wishing she’d choke on her own tongue rather than ever putting it in my mouth again.

  “Get off me.” I moved out of her reach. “Didn’t you hear me? I said, it has nothing to do with you. Now, go find some other athlete’s life to ruin.”

  She huffed. “Well, I heard Dayton’s getting drafted. Maybe I’ll go see what he’s up to,” she goaded, assuming that I’d care because I was jealous when that was the furthest thing from the truth.

  “Stay away from my teammates. Don’t go near any of them, Hayley.” I was angry. Not because I gave two shits about her, but because I cared about my teammates and I didn’t want any of them going through what I had with her.