No Bad Days Page 14

  How could I have been so wrong about everything?

  “Did I hear Nick leave?”

  Rachel’s door opened, and she and Trevor peered out from behind it. I shook my head at them, sobbing, unable to say anything.

  “Jess, what happened?”

  “Are you okay?” Trevor asked, his concern genuine.

  Pulling myself together, I choked out, “H-he broke up with me.”

  “No way.” Trevor straightened up as if my words were hard to believe. “That’s not possible.”

  “Obviously, it is possible.” I hiccupped as I waved a hand at my face, which had to look like complete hell.

  “What’d he say?” Rachel asked as she rubbed my back.

  I plopped to the floor, burying my head in my hands. God, my heart hurt. Every breath hurt. My mind raced while I wished this was just a bad dream I’d wake up from.

  “He said he couldn’t do the long-distance thing, and he wouldn’t even try.” I looked up at my roommate and best friend. “I feel so stupid. I thought he loved me.”

  “He does love you. I don’t believe for one second that he doesn’t,” Rachel said softly, trying to reassure me.

  “He absolutely loves you, Jess. I can promise you that,” Trevor added.

  Their assurances should have made me feel marginally better, but they didn’t. Nothing did. Nick had called it off, walked away, and taken my heart with him.

  How would I ever get over him?

  The only thing that saved my mental health was the fact that I was moving soon and had a ton of things to do. I still needed to choose my classes at a brand-new school, and I had to find a place to live next semester ASAP.

  For my own self-preservation, I buried myself in my upcoming relocation and did my best not to think about Nick. It wasn’t easy. But as each day faded into night and I hadn’t called or texted him, I gave myself a mental pat on the back for being strong enough to walk away, when all I wanted to do was call him and beg for answers.

  I walked around in a daze the last few weeks of the semester, managing to avoid Nick completely except for the single class we had together. It was like a knife in the gut when he moved from his usual seat next to mine to the front row, sitting near the girl who’d clamored for his attention on the first day of class. It took every ounce of my willpower to stay seated the entire lecture and not bolt or throw up.

  I hated not being near him, watching him effectively ignore me as if I didn’t exist. How could I have meant so little to him when he meant so much to me?

  I forced Rachel to tell me repeatedly that I hadn’t made up my relationship with Nick in my head, that I didn’t see things that weren’t really there. Somewhere between our beginning and our end, I had convinced myself that it wasn’t real, that it was just the plot of some bad romance novel.

  And every time I asked, Rachel would say the same thing. “You didn’t make anything up. It was real. He loved you. Hell, he probably still does.”

  The entire campus seemed to know that we had broken up, but no one knew why. The rumor mill spun about our demise, but Rachel ran interference like an NFL linebacker so efficiently that I rarely had to deal with any of it. Most of the lies that spread were generally spoken behind my back and not to my face, and for that I was grateful. When I found the courage to make eye contact with other girls, half of them gave me sympathetic looks while the other half sneered at me, clearly excited that Nick was on the market again.

  On the last day of class, Nick stopped in mid-step as he was passing by my seat. He turned, staring right into my eyes. I held my breath as I waited for him to speak, dying to hear his voice, no matter what he might say, but instead he shook his head and rushed out the door.

  I jumped up from my seat, determined to confront him, but when I got outside, he was gone. It was like he had vanished into thin air, nowhere to be seen.

  I couldn’t believe that that would be the last time I would ever see him. School was over and I was moving. I couldn’t wrap my head around how well I thought I knew him, and how little I truly must have. I couldn’t comprehend any of it.

  “We all knew it was coming. I’m just shocked it took as long as it did,” a familiar voice said, and I came to a sudden halt.

  I told myself not to look up, not to give her the time of day, but my eyes didn’t listen to my pleading. Carla Crawford stood in front of me, her hip jutted out so that she looked like she was posing for a magazine cover.

  “What do you want?” I asked breathlessly before gathering something that resembled gumption. “To rub it in my face? You want to hear that you were right?”

  She raised a perfect eyebrow. “I already know I was right.”

  “Then what do you want?” I asked again, tired of her games.

  She leaned in close to my ear, the smell of her perfume overwhelming, and I fought off the urge to wave my hands in the air. “I wanted to tell you in person that I’ll be taking your place now. And unlike you, I won’t be going anywhere. Ever. Nick and I are a sure thing, and nothing and no one is going to stand in our way.”

  I bristled with her words, and as much as I didn’t want to give them any weight or value, something inside me did. “I’m not sure who you’re trying to convince,” I said, hoping my words sounded stronger than I currently felt. “Me or you.”

  She made an annoyed sound before straightening, her height advantage making her seem to tower over me. “I don’t owe you anything, Jess. I was simply trying to be courteous by giving you a heads-up. I won’t make that mistake again.” She deliberately bumped her shoulder against mine as she strode away, leaving me standing there alone as other students filed out around us.

  I dropped my sunglasses over my eyes and forced the tears to stay at bay as I walked across campus, staring straight ahead to avoid any further confrontations. If anyone else approached me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure.

  To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I’d held it together for so long in the first place.

  My half of the apartment was in boxes as Rachel watched me pack. “I can’t believe this is really happening,” she said for the fiftieth time that afternoon.

  I stopped sealing up the box that I had just filled and looked up at her from my spot on the floor. “I know. It’s not fair.”

  “I just figured we’d be here the whole time together,” she said wistfully. “That we’d graduate together and throw some stupid party for the two of us.”

  I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I know. I did too.”

  I had never once thought that I’d have to leave State. When I had gotten accepted, it was one of the best days of my life. Now I was sitting on my apartment floor, packing up my life so I could start my junior year at a brand-new school in a brand-new city where I knew no one and had no friends.

  Rachel plopped down in front of me and took my hands in hers. “Stay. Don’t go. Who cares about your major and your goals? Your dreams are dumb. Make new dreams and stay here with me, Jess,” she said seriously with a slight laugh.

  Pouting, I said, “I can’t.”

  “I know.”

  Hit with inspiration, I perked up. “But you can come visit.”

  “And don’t think I won’t. That’s only an hour flight, or one super-boring six-hour-long road trip, but don’t think that I’m not coming there. You do not get to have a new best friend. I won’t stand for it, gringa.”

  I laughed. “I can’t even imagine anyone taking your place.” I blew out a soft breath. “My life is going to be so boring without you.”

  “And don’t you forget it,” she said, her accent coming out a little stronger as she wagged her finger in my direction.

  A knock at the door startled both of us, and we turned to stare at it as if we could figure out who was behind it if we looked hard enough.

  “Trevor?” I asked.

  Rachel shook her head. “He’s at work until eight.”

  She pushed up off the floor and headed into the living ro
om. When she opened the front door, my heart slammed against my chest as the sound of his voice filled the room.

  Nick.

  Nick is here.

  Rachel stepped back into my room, sounding uncharacteristically nervous as she said, “Um, chica?”

  I swallowed hard. “It’s really him?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

  She nodded. “Should I let him in or stomp on his nuts?”

  I glanced around at my room as her options echoed in my mind. It looked like a tornado had torn through it.

  Giving her a slight smile, I said, “I guess you can leave his nuts alone for now.”

  “So I’m sending him in?” When I nodded, Rachel disappeared.

  Nick stood in my doorway a minute later, wearing an odd expression I couldn’t quite place. “Hey.”

  He looked tired, defeated even, but I wasn’t sure that it had anything to do with me. Maybe he looked that way because his reality after graduation had sunk in. Nick had to go to work for his dad’s company instead of following his heart and working with his brothers at Sam’s. I knew how that prospect tore him up, and it made me hurt for him.

  Remembering that he’d addressed me, I offered a nonchalant “hey” in response.

  He stood there, his hulking frame casting a shadow over me. When he didn’t say anything else, I returned to my packing, not knowing exactly what he wanted from me and half afraid to look him in the eyes. They’d be my undoing.

  A moment later, he sat down directly across from me. He said nothing, his silence stabbing me a little more in my gut with each moment that passed between us.

  “Why are you here?” I finally asked him, my broken heart desperate to know why he had shown up to destroy what was left of it.

  “I wanted to see you,” he said, his voice sounding pained. “I’m really going to miss you, Jess.”

  I finally raised my eyes to meet his, praying that I wouldn’t get emotional when I looked into their depths. The eyes of the man I had fallen in love with, still loved, but didn’t want me anymore.

  “You’re going to miss me?” I managed to ask through my surprise.

  “You find that hard to believe?”

  I shook my head, not sure what I believed anymore. “Don’t say that, Nick. Don’t say things like that to me right now.” Swallowing hard, I gathered my courage and added, “Unless it’s followed up with something about you not letting me go, or you wanting us to get back together because you realized you made a huge mistake. If you’re not here to tell me any of those things, then don’t say you’re going to miss me. It’s not fair.” I bit my lip, still determined to keep it together.

  “I’m sorry. I mean it, though. I am going to miss you.”

  He winced, looking at the floor for a moment as my stomach tightened. It was so hard to be this close to him and not be a part of his life. After all, I had wrapped myself up in all things Nick Fisher so tightly that not being with him when he was this near seemed foreign. Looking at him from a distance seemed wrong—it all felt wrong. Why didn’t he feel it too?

  “Then why are you giving up on us? I hate you for that.” My eyes filled with tears as my inner strength failed me.

  “I know. I know you do. I just—” He squeezed his eyes shut for a second before giving me an intense look.

  “You just what? Can walk away like we never mattered? Like I never mattered?”

  His jaw tightened. “You know that’s not true.”

  “I really don’t,” I said, fighting to keep my voice steady as the tears threatened.

  He pushed up to his feet. “I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry, Jess. I just wanted to say good-bye to you in person.”

  Everything inside me fell to pieces at those words. Good-bye seemed so final, so resolute, like something we could never overcome. Part of me had held out hope that Nick was here to seal the cracks he had inflicted on my heart, but he wasn’t. I was moving, and he was letting me go without even trying to keep us together.

  He didn’t want me. Why I needed to constantly remind myself of that fact was beyond irritating.

  “Good-bye, Nick.”

  He reached out a hand, and I only hesitated a moment before accepting it and launching myself into his arms. I hated the way I still wanted to be touched by him, but I loved him. I couldn’t shut off my feelings as easily as he had.

  I breathed him in, my hands finding their way to the back of his neck as I committed him to memory—the curve of his neck, the warmth of his skin, the stubble on his cheek. His lips found my cheek and I closed my eyes, knowing it would be the last time that I would feel them on my skin. I wanted to remember how they felt, how soft they were, how gentle he was with me.

  When he released me and stepped back, I almost gasped at the distance. It felt like I was losing him all over again. I had finally gotten to a place where I didn’t feel the pain of his loss with every breath, but now I felt like I would have to start rehab all over again to kick my Nick addiction.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box before handing it to me. “Open it later. After I’m gone, okay?”

  I stared at it a second, trying to figure out what could possibly be inside. “Okay.”

  “You’ll do great up north, Jess. You’ll be great. Go be great.”

  He leaned down and placed another kiss on my forehead, his lips lingering too long, but I refused to complain. With a small squeeze of my shoulder, he hurried toward the door before turning back one last time.

  “You don’t need the luck, Jess, but I wanted you to have it.”

  Confused, I frowned as he disappeared from my sight. I wanted to chase after him, but chasing a man who didn’t want you was pointless. Even my broken heart knew that much.

  The door slammed, and I stood there with the box in my hand, my heart in my hand, my pride in my hands . . . feeling overwhelmed and emotional.

  “Jess?” Rachel said in a small voice, and I looked up to see her standing in the doorway. “Is he gone?”

  I nodded, afraid that if I tried to speak, I wouldn’t be able to find my voice.

  “What’s in your hand?” she asked, and I shrugged. “Open it. Open it right this instant!”

  I removed the top, and when my gaze landed on the red-and-white-striped poker chip nestled on the cotton inside, I almost dropped the box. He’d given me his grandfather’s lucky poker chip?

  “Why the hell did he give you a poker chip?” Rachel asked, her expression as confused as my heart and mind.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted.

  “But does it mean something?” She reached for it but I pulled the box away. “Is it an inside joke between you two? I don’t get it.”

  “It was his grandfather’s,” I said and then shook my head, not wanting to give away any more details of a story that wasn’t mine to share.

  “Are you going to thank him for it?”

  “Thank him for it? Thank him for what, exactly? Coming over here, confusing the living shit out of me by giving me this gift that supposedly means the world to him, when he refuses to stay with me because I’m moving four hundred miles away? No, I’m not going to thank him for it, Rachel.”

  She threw up her hands in defeat. “Easy, tiger. I was only asking.”

  “I know. Sorry. I just don’t understand him at all. I can’t take this.” I shoved the box into Rachel’s hand.

  “What do you want me to do with it?” She pulled out the chip and flipped it back and forth in her palm, studying it like it held magical powers.

  “Give it back to him. Please.”

  “What if he won’t take it?”

  “I don’t care. Throw it at him. Tell him it’s not mine to keep. Just tell him I couldn’t keep it, that it means too much to him and it shouldn’t be with someone else.”

  She drew in a loud, dramatic breath. “He won’t like that, Jess.”

  “I know. So you’ll do it, right?”

  A wicked smile crept over her face. “Of course I’ll do
it.”

  I smiled back at my little spitfire roommate, feeling more conflicted than ever as I finished packing.

  She was right—Nick wouldn’t like it—but I couldn’t care about that right now. Right now I needed to finish packing and start my new life without Nick, without Rachel, without State.

  A new life I never saw coming.

  Leaving Home

  Jess

  Leaving Rachel had been hard. The day my dad came to help me move out of our apartment, I couldn’t stop crying. I knew it was a combination of leaving behind my best friend, a school I genuinely loved, and allowing the emotions of everything regarding Nick to finally bubble up to the surface. Transferring to Northern was the best thing for my future and I never questioned that decision, but it still hurt to say good-bye when I didn’t really want to leave.

  “I’ll miss you so much. As soon as you get settled, I’m coming up,” Rachel said.

  “You better,” I said fiercely.

  “You can’t get rid of me that easily, chica. You’re my white girl,” she said with a smile before delivering a rapid-fire Spanish-filled rant she knew I wouldn’t be able to understand. When I rolled my eyes dramatically, she just talked faster, gesturing with her hands as she spoke.

  “Stop!” I laughed through my tears. “You know I don’t know what the hell you’re saying.”

  “I know. That’s why it’s so fun for me. I was just threatening anyone who tried to think that they could take my best friend from me.” She stuck out her tongue before wrapping me in a tight hug. “Text me every day.”

  “Of course.”

  I squeezed her hard before walking out of our apartment for the last time. Refusing to look back, I put one foot in front of the other and headed toward my dad’s truck, now full of all my belongings.

  “You okay, sweetheart?” he asked when I buckled myself in.

  I nodded as I swiped at my cheek. “I will be.”

  “That’s my strong girl,” he said, then put the truck in gear and drove us back home for the summer, away from my old life.